meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
