at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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