I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
