No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
