wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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