Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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