I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
