Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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