that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
