My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
