True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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