Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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