one word: firstdatebathroomanal
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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