So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
