I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
