dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
