This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory