Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
