If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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