Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
