I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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