I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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