there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
