I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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