Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
