Little spoons don't ask big questions
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How does one acquire holy water?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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