I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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