I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
