Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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