I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
