god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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