grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
