He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
