There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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