I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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