It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
