I need help removing her.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
