So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
