Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
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They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
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Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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