mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
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she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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