Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
