I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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