I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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