Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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