Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you traded sex for a burrito?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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