Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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