It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
