bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
