upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
