Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
