Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
