Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
