remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
