You made me cry and you don't even care
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
