Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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