on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
there is puke in my bra ... again
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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