I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
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They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
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"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.