The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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