I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.