i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
