i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I've blown a few things in my day
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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